The Inner Eye
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The Dream: Land of the Silver Sky
Many years ago, I think when I was in high school, I had a dream that affected me more profoundly than any dream I'd ever had. It is one of maybe two or three that I remember with any clarity at all to this day.
The Dream:
As I stand there, I feel very peaceful, refreshed, and alive. After marveling at this strange and beautiful world, I approach one of the hooded figures and speak to him. He does not speak, he does not move, but I feel that he is kind, although mysterious. He transports me to another world.
I don't remember the first world, but after awhile I come back, and I discover that each Denz will send me to a different, distinct world. In one of the worlds, I arrive inside a sort of medieval castle. There are people I know there. Before long the castle guards spot us and chase us all through the castle. We run through tunnels of dark stone walls lit by torches. Just as the guards are closing in, I am transported back to the Land of the Silver Sky and I am safe again.
As I wander further down the road, I come to a certain point and realize that this world has an end. Although the road, the land, and the Denz with their strange marker stones, appear to go on forever, when I look closer, the dark part of the sky actually comes down and forms a barrier which meets the road here. I can put out my hand and touch it. (It's sort of like the ending of the movie The Truman Show.)
So I approach another Denz and am transported to a new world. This time, I realize I am standing on some sort of round platform, which is rising up slowly like an elevator. I know that I am inside a tall tower. The platform rises through a round hole in the floor at the top level of the tower, and I am surrounded by a circle of Denz. They have been waiting for me. I feel overwhelmed by an odd dichotomy of emotions; I feel complete love and safety being in the presence of the Denz, yet at the same I am terrified because I do not know whats going to happen, as if the Denz might harm me. Or maybe they have a mission for me; some great thing for me to do. I'm not sure. Just as I'm about to find out, I wake up. The dream is over.
I only know of one recurring dream I've ever had in my life. I had it maybe two or three times. But this is not that dream -- I have never had this dream again, only the one time. Yet it affected me so greatly that, even though some of the visual details are fuzzy now and I have to sort of re-imagine them when I think of the dream, I have never forgotten the strange mix of emotions that accompanied it.
I have thought often about that dream and what, if anything, it may have meant. After all these years, I've at least formed a guess.
I think that this place -- which I call the Land of the Silver Sky, or Skies, or sometimes The Land of the Silver Stars -- represents my life. When the dream began, I could not look back and see what was behind me. It never even seemed to matter. It was as if that entire existence consisted of whatever was ahead. So I think it represents specifically my future.
Obviously then, the road represents the path or the progression of my life. My timeline if you will. I think that the nature of the sky -- the fact that this place is floating in space, with these brilliant stars and the sunset effect -- and also some aspects of the Denz and the stones -- represent my need for creativity, or my imagination in general. The notion of unlimited, yet essentially unreachable possibilities -- those things which I create in my mind which are not real and never can be, but which add flavor to my life and my view of the world.
The Denz and their stones represent a number of things. They represent ideas, and they represent hopes. I suppose they also represent people -- people that bring new ideas into my life. People that inspire me. People that give me hope. But they also represent a beginning. In my dream the stones were essentially markers. They represent the solidarity or the reality of the idea, the hope, or fundamentally, the experience. They represent a historical event in my life in some ways. In other words, each Denz and the stone he guards represents a finite experience in my life, each of which begins with an idea, a hope, etc. A move, perhaps, or a new job, or going to school, or writing a book, or getting excited about a new creative idea with a friend, or... whatever. The infinite stones along the path represent all the many possible choices or paths I could take in life, but I only have time to choose a limited number of them. Of course, there's no telling exactly what each one will bring.
Obviously the world is the experience itself. Some will be negative, and some will be positive. The castle experience probably represents a negative experience in which other people are involved. More likely, it is a general representation of all the times I ever have or ever will feel locked down, trapped, out of control. But however frustrating or difficult it may be, I know that experience will come to some sort of end like every other, and I will again find myself on the path, with unlimited choices, possibilities, and opportunities.
Only, at some point, I will come to an unexpected wall. A dead end of sorts -- not that the possibilities end, but that I am no longer able to proceed. I believe that represents death, or rather, the notion that death will eventually come. Its interesting, though; in my dream, that limitation didn't feel limiting. It was tremendously surprising, but it was acceptable. It was part of exploring an unfamiliar world, and it was a fascinating discovery. Besides, there were still so many choices and opportunities to explore here.
So after I came to that end, I chose another path. (Interesting, that after encountering what I presume to be death, I still felt as if I had choices to make.) This one took me to the tower with the Denz.
My best guess here is this represents my appearance before the bar of God, at the final Judgement. I did feel as if I were there to be judged. I felt safe and hopeful, yet concerned or nervous at the same time. I suppose that makes sense if I presume that, being aware of the choices I've made in my life, and the mistakes, I am nervous or feel guilty about those mistakes. But I Hope and Pray that I will have gotten my life right, made good choices before that time, and fully repented, so that I can feel confident I have received forgiveness for my sins through the grace of Jesus Christ, and ensure my place with God, rather than feel guilty and concerned for the welfare of my soul in His presence.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
It's been FIVE YEARS. I can't believe it has been five years. Why does time play this horrible tricks? It doesn't seem fair.
Anyway. I was reading over my posts from before and I felt the need to revise my first post. It's a bit more recognizable as a poem now, although of course it always was a poem to begin with. I've tweaked and added a few lines. The new version is thus:
Have you ever felt what I feel?
This empty emotional daze
not cold, but merely incomplete
I feel it some days, when I am tired
overwhelmed, or quiet
a chalk-ridden slate
aged in an old attic
the image there is faded, smeared
it is something like this
the thoughts and ideas
the dreams and worries
are out of focus
they rest heavily on my mind and heart
but I cannot decipher them
I can feel the coaxing tendrils of them
pulling at my conciousness
but my subconcious refuses
to give up their meaning
perhaps I am sad?
The deep gray of melancholy
lingers in that open space
between waking and dream
am I hopeful?
The future opens as a tunnel
through the woods ahead of me
with no certainties in destination or journey
but only one path to take
filtered-sunlight trickles through the green sky
layering droplets of truth upon the dirt
am I lonely?
A blue-cloaked figure walks the path ahead
and I know it is only I -- I alone
am my only traveling companion
and the friendships found along the way
inevitably evaporate
mere pools of refreshment fleeting in their import
and fatefully undecided in their tenure
the inner eye rests heavy
blurred with want of rest from weary travel
blurred from tears that will not form in this unreason
as season, amidst its changing
still too warm to uncomforting cold,
cannot determine its current course
and only by the calendar knows the next
I feel a wanderer though I know my road
I feel a wonderer though I know the answer
I feel a worrier though I know great peace
I feel a warrior though I fear my lack of strength
I feel wise though I know am a fool
I feel unwelcome though I know the love of my welcoming family
I feel so very weak though I know that I am stronger than I've ever been
I do not know why, I cry
I do not know why!
Though, only on these days
when I know the answer is only what I've hidden away
unwanting to know it
unwilling to see it
undesiring of such merciful understanding
if only to be pleasantly intoxicated
or lethargically addicted
to this empty emotional daze.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Have you ever felt what I feel? This empty emotional daze -- not cold, but merely incomplete. I feel it some days, when I am tired, overwhelmed, or quiet. A chalk-ridden slate, aged in an old attic, the image there is faded, smeared... it is something like this... the thoughts and ideas, the dreams and worries, are out of focus... they rest heavily on my mind and heart, but I cannot decipher them. I can feel the coaxing tendrils of them pulling at my conciousness, but my subconcious refuses to give up their meaning. Perhaps I am sad -- the deep gray of melancholy lingers in that open space between waking and dream. Am I hopeful? The future opens as a tunnel through the woods ahead of me, with no certainties in destination or journey, but only one path to take; filtered-sunlight trickles through the green sky, layering droplets of truth upon the dirt. Am I lonely? A blue-cloaked figure walks the path ahead, and I know it is only I -- I alone, am my only traveling companion, and the friendships found along the way inevitably evaporate, mere pools of refreshment fleeting in their import and fatefully undecided in their tenure. The inner eye rests heavy, blurred with want of rest from weary travel, blurred from tears that will not form in this unreason. As season amidst its changing, still too warm to uncomforting cold, cannot determine its current course and only by the calendar knows the next, I feel a wanderer though I know my road, I feel a wonderer though I know the answer, I feel a worrier though I know great peace, I feel wise though I know am a fool, I feel unwelcome though I know the love of my welcoming family, I feel so very weak though I know that I am stronger than I've ever been. I do not know why, I cry, I do not know why, though only on these days when I know the answer is only what I've hidden away, unwanting to know it, unwilling to see it, undesiring of such merciful understanding, if only to be pleasantly intoxicated, or lethargically attached to this zoned-out emotional daze.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
I'm not sure why, but lately I've found myself pondering politics. Politics, of all things! Politics are terribly uninteresting to me, for the most part.. I sometimes find the activities of politicians as shallow and meaningless as the Hollywood gossip about who's dating who.
But yeah.. I've been wondering just where I stand in relation to other people in the nation. I never realized it before, but it seems like my views are somewhat unique in the nation. Not a single registered party I've found yet seems to share my opinions on social, economic, and civil issues.
Now, I never thought of myself as being extreme, especially since my views are pretty centrist on the whole. I actually agree with many of areas of various US parties' platforms. It seems my particular combination of views is what makes my leanings unique.
So I'm thinking about writing up my own little political manifesto, of sorts. I figure I'll start by outlining my "platform" -- the group of specific beliefs and ideals that founds the basis of my viewpoint. It'll be a challenge, since I admit I'm not extremely knowledgeable in a lot of the hot topics of political debate these days. But it should be a learning experience.. and who knows, maybe someday I'll discover that I'm not alone in my beliefs.
Edit [07/20/04]: The incomplete outline was published previously, but I'm moving it to Drafts (now that I have that option). Maybe someday I'll complete it and republish it.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Project: ForeverDream Studios
Another big one! ForeverDream Studios is a company (not legally/officially yet, but hopefully someday), formed by a bunch of guys I met online, that is dedicated to creating original, atmospheric computer games. Our current (read: first and thus far only) project is an original Adventure Game called The Curves of Danger. Based on the classic Film Noir style, Curves is a traditional "whodunnit" detective adventure game. To add to the noir ambience, the entire game is in black and white, and is scored by a professional composer by the name of Eirik Myhr. (I'll have to get you a link to his site, the man is a genius.)
Adventure games aren't as popular as they used to be, but they still have quite a following. For indisputable evidence of this fact, visit AdventureGamers.Com.
Since most of us are so-called amateur developers, we all have schooling and careers to attend to, which has resulted in a very drawn-out production process; but the ball is rolling now faster than ever before. I can say with confidence that the demo for Curves will be released by the end of Q2, 2004. The final game will be distributed in two parts, Act One and Act Two, the final act of the game being released sometime in 2005.
After Curves, design work will begin on the next game project, codenamed Morpheus.
Project: Terrasi
This is a big one.. no, a huge one. This is like, Life's Work material. The plan is to create an entire world, kind of like what J.R.R. Tolkien created with Middle Earth, or like the fantasy galaxy in George Lucas' Star Wars. What makes this interesting is how different it is from anything else: I don't believe in borrowing material from other people for an original creation. My fictional world is neither Fantasy nor Sci-Fi... instead, it reflects elements of both genres to form a completely unique atmosphere with a contemporary perspective.
Of course, without a brilliant story, Middle Earth would be nothing more than a big place Tolkien had in his head; it wouldn't mean much to anyone else. Lucas' fictional galaxy would be similarly of little interest to anyone today if it hadn't been the setting of an epic adventure. By the same token, my Creation is founded on a truly epic plot.
I'll get into it more at a later time, I'm sure. It's one of my favorite projects. For now I'll leave you wondering. But for reference sake, you should know that this fictional world of mine does have a name. I call it TERRASI.
Project: iCMS
In my last post I mentioned that I'm planning to do some work on the main page. It actually goes quite a bit deeper. I want to use the same PHP backend to organize every directory on the site. It will also allow me to easily add and edit new files. Another cool feature I intend to implement is that each directory can have articles and other resources associated with it that are stored in the database instead of in files. Trust me, it'll be pretty cool. :)
It'll probably be worth some money, too, if I ever get it done. There really isn't a good, powerful but simple Content Management System out there for beginners. I hope to change that. I started working on an official, advanced version of this system with the guys who made YaBB SE and Simple Machines Forum, but that didn't really pan out. It may come back at some point after the final public release of SMF, but we'll see.
In the meantime, I'll just do what I can, when I can, on my own index page.
Alright, it looks like its working. Fantastic.
I'm new to the blog scene. Those I've read seem to talk about anything and everything. I'll probably do that too, but the main reason I'm doing this is so I have a handy place to jot down my ideas.
See, I've got tons of 'em. More than I know what to do with. Most of them sit on my hard drive collecting digital dust. Every so often I'll get them out, dust them off, and either I'll play with 'em for awhile, or I'll put 'em back.
My website is a prime example. There's a TON of stuff I want to do with it, but right now, its utter chaos. Every project has its own directory or two. I keep meaning to further develop the main page (www.inverse-reality.com) into an organized launch point for my projects. The structure is there, but the PHP code to drive it is still "in the works."
Over the next couple posts I'll take some time to introduce you to a few of my biggest projects...
