The Inner Eye
Sunday, August 02, 2009
It's been FIVE YEARS. I can't believe it has been five years. Why does time play this horrible tricks? It doesn't seem fair.
Anyway. I was reading over my posts from before and I felt the need to revise my first post. It's a bit more recognizable as a poem now, although of course it always was a poem to begin with. I've tweaked and added a few lines. The new version is thus:
Have you ever felt what I feel?
This empty emotional daze
not cold, but merely incomplete
I feel it some days, when I am tired
overwhelmed, or quiet
a chalk-ridden slate
aged in an old attic
the image there is faded, smeared
it is something like this
the thoughts and ideas
the dreams and worries
are out of focus
they rest heavily on my mind and heart
but I cannot decipher them
I can feel the coaxing tendrils of them
pulling at my conciousness
but my subconcious refuses
to give up their meaning
perhaps I am sad?
The deep gray of melancholy
lingers in that open space
between waking and dream
am I hopeful?
The future opens as a tunnel
through the woods ahead of me
with no certainties in destination or journey
but only one path to take
filtered-sunlight trickles through the green sky
layering droplets of truth upon the dirt
am I lonely?
A blue-cloaked figure walks the path ahead
and I know it is only I -- I alone
am my only traveling companion
and the friendships found along the way
inevitably evaporate
mere pools of refreshment fleeting in their import
and fatefully undecided in their tenure
the inner eye rests heavy
blurred with want of rest from weary travel
blurred from tears that will not form in this unreason
as season, amidst its changing
still too warm to uncomforting cold,
cannot determine its current course
and only by the calendar knows the next
I feel a wanderer though I know my road
I feel a wonderer though I know the answer
I feel a worrier though I know great peace
I feel a warrior though I fear my lack of strength
I feel wise though I know am a fool
I feel unwelcome though I know the love of my welcoming family
I feel so very weak though I know that I am stronger than I've ever been
I do not know why, I cry
I do not know why!
Though, only on these days
when I know the answer is only what I've hidden away
unwanting to know it
unwilling to see it
undesiring of such merciful understanding
if only to be pleasantly intoxicated
or lethargically addicted
to this empty emotional daze.
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